In-the-Moment Feedback: Helpful or Hurtful?

Do words leave your lips before your brain engages? Do you have a critical nature and tend to rush in to correct perceived problems?

If you possess these traits, like I do, you may also find that in-the-moment feedback can be quite a challenge.

Blurting out thoughts and a critical eye have gotten me to wonder:

When we have feedback that could be helpful, how can we deliver it so it will not be hurtful?

When is it O.K. to give feedback in the moment and when is it better to wait?

Six in-the-moment feedback examples

Take a look at these 6 in-the-moment feedback examples. Consider which ones have the potential for being helpful and which could be hurtful?

The car’s melodic chimes remind you to buckle-up.
The water ski instructor says, “Remember to keep your knees bent.”
You yell, “Stop,” when you see a toddler darting into the street.
An employee is explaining something to a client and you interrupt to explain it in a “better” way.
Your assistant places labels off-center and you say, “Hold on, those need to be centered on the folder.”
A teacher is in the midst of a lesson and you pull her aside to offer a suggestion.

I have given feedback in each of the above examples. The first three were helpful and the last three were hurtful. Even though my intention was to be helpful, I needed to figure out what was making some of my in-the-moment feedback hurtful.

So, here’s what I’ve learned about whether to offer feedback in-the-moment or hit the “pause” button, and plan for a better moment.

When is in-the-moment feedback helpful?

It’s a no-brainer to stop a toddler from getting hit by a car by shouting, “stop!” So, in-the-moment feedback is helpful when the issue is safety, urgency, or something that is of grave importance.

In-the-moment feedback can also be a helpful learning tool, as when my yoga teacher gently adjusts my arms, reminding me to extend them fully. This helps me to remember to do so on my own.

In addition, it’s essential for expressing acknowledgement and gratitude as in, “Thanks for getting that mailing out so quickly. It means a lot to know that I can count on you.”

When is in-the-moment feedback hurtful?

In my role as school principal, I offered feedback to a teacher about her lesson, while in her classroom. She let me know how my feedback consumed her thoughts for the rest of the day. She asked that I hold off on in-the-moment feedback and instead wait until the end of the day so she would not be distracted by it. So, in-the-moment feedback can be hurtful when the timing isn’t right. Many people have a strong preference for receiving feedback out-of-the moment.

I felt grateful my employee let me know how she wanted to receive feedback. If your employees (students or children) aren’t offering this information, then ask for it. Everyone is different in how they want feedback. A skillful leader learns and respects those differences.

Another time to withhold feedback is when your emotions are strong or negatively charged. Wait until you calm down so your tone can be even and non-blaming. As author Harriet Lerner says,

“Breathe now, speak later.”

This pause can give you a different perspective on the situation. You might even recognize that you’re part of the problem. Here are 4 places to look:

You didn’t delegate the task clearly.

You haven’t taught why it’s important to explain or do things a certain way.

You’re micromanaging.

You’re more concerned with being right or showing what you know, than with supporting or helping the other person.

These are all good reasons to withhold feedback and will give you time to reflect and thoughtfully choose how and when to proceed.

How can we make feedback easier to hear?

Here are two tips for making in-the-moment feedback easier to receive:

Keep the feedback focused on you — not the other person. Be sure to use a calm tone and avoid casting blame. It might sound like this: I know I am extra picky when it comes to things like centering labels.
Ask the recipient if it’s O.K. to offer feedback, and if this is a good time for them.

For more support with finding the right feedback words, check out my post: Reduce the “Ouch” of Difficult Feedback.

How do you know if in-the-moment feedback is helpful or hurtful? I’d love to know, what would you say?

Photo Credit: Alpaca Lips by Larry Broido